If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
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due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Not recommended for beginners.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.