[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
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In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
consequences, the bane of my existence
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though