*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
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