My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
You Might Also Like
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?