Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
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My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Lucky old June.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Spotted in New Orleans.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
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My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….