What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
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she would like to bark at the manager, please.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Are we there yet?…
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.