My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
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still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
my retirement plan is braless
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.