[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
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“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.