Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
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The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.