dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
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OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Important
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Wait a minute…
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.