Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
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Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
*seductively corrects your posture*
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.