Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
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My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
my retirement plan is braless
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
water it, i dare you
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want