I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
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Need WebMD
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.