Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
You Might Also Like
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment