Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
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Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
why would tinder want me to say this
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.