I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
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*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Omg 🤣
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.