“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
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Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*