Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
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I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back