My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
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JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
*limbos under the caution tape
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
A choir of Spring onions
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.