[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?