This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
this is the greatest thing ever
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”