That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
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Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Cheer up.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.