Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
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If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno