Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
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Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.