Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
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Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”