I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
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Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
That was easy.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Those are good neighbors.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.