My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
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I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.