tinder is all about the long game
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[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold