Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
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When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer