[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
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Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
This meal prepping shit easy
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
How high do the levels go?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
*lint rolls you awake*