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I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.