*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
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who’s ready for the long weeknd?
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Body by cheese-puffs.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
The glory of fall.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close