Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
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How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.