him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I can fix him.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”