When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
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“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
#JohnTravolta
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.