DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
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[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!