I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
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im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?