People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
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Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Y’all know who you are.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi