in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
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For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
good work, everybody
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.