Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
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*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one