her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
You Might Also Like
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared