me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
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You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.