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every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?