The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
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When you can’t find your friend Neil
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.