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I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I hate my earbuds.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?