[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
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I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition