2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
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mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]