this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
You Might Also Like
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
He a real one for that
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.