ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
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My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
There is wisdom there.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever