friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
You Might Also Like
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”